The Nurse’s Dirty Secret

One of the most rewarding aspects of writing a blog is the opportunities it affords for interaction with the readers. Mostly, owing to the nature of the medium, this is limited to the exchange of comments, be they (frequently) entertaining, instructive, insightful, or (very rarely) banal. I appreciate this very much, and thank you all for your diligent efforts in this area.

Many of you also e-mail me from time to time, and these interactions I also find greatly rewarding, on the whole, despite the less-structured, private nature of the interaction. For this I again am by and large very grateful, because you as a whole have been very kind about sharing your thoughts and ideas with me. As always, thanks.

Recently, someone e-mailed me with a suggestion for something I should write. This is not an uncommon happening, truth be told.

However, I can say with relative certainty that nobody had ever before asked me to write erotica.

Never one to let piddly details like a complete unfamiliarity with a topic, subject, or entire genre deter me, I quickly accepted the challenge, inferring that what was called for was not so much a sort of finely-crafted literary masterpiece designed to oh-so-slowly set one’s naughty bits a-quiver and stimulate the free flow of one’s imagination, as a slightly cynical and snarky deconstruction of the genre.

Then I went off to the internet for a couple hours and did some, ahem, research.

Sturgeon’s Law very much applies to internet (alleged) erotica, let me tell you. Lo, I have laid eyes upon the plotless and typo-laden fantasies of many a frustrated and illiterate teenager, and they were awful.

To successfully make fun of that, I figured I’d have to go full-on, purple prose, dark-and-stormy-night levels of intentional awfulness, and that sounded a lot like work. It also sounded a lot like some of the horrors I’d already come across (not like that, sheesh), and even if I’m doing this on a whim because some stranger asked me to and I decided it sounded like fun before I knew what I was getting into, I still wanted to stand out in some way and produce something that would be rememberable for more than sixty seconds after completion.

Based on my research, I determined that internet (alleged) erotica must meet certain criteria:

1. It must be short, under (roughly) 2,500 words;
2. It must have no more than a minimal excuse for a plot, if that;
3. It must be at least a little disturbing, in a bad way;
4. It must contain typos;
5. It must have a cheesy title;
and lastly
6. It must leave the reader a little bit frustrated and quite unfulfilled.

Believing in good faith that I have been able to meet all of these criteria, I humbly present and deliver unto you the bountiful fruits of my hard labour, a relatively short (eight-page) piece of (alleged) erotica, in the form of a chat-room transcript (possibly the 21st-century incarnation of the epistolary novel, in my opinion a a regrettably much-underused literary form), entitled The Nurse’s Dirty Secret.

Do be warned that it does contain “adult” language and themes which are probably unsuitable for minors, teenagers, the elderly, and the infirm, among many others, as well as questionably erotic imagery which is probably inappropriate for most workplaces, schools, and homes. It exists as an Adobe PDF file, 422 Kilobytes in length, and you may download it free of charge here, if you really dare:

The Nurse’s Dirty Secret.

Additionally, because it amused me ever so greatly to do so, I have also produced a discussion guide (no, really) suitable for book clubs, college classes, or any other environment which might encourage the generation of deep and insightful analysis of mundanity and banality; it is also a PDF file, 57 Kilobytes in length, and is available freely here:

The Nurse’s Dirty Secret Reading Guide.

After much thought, I’m not certain that “please enjoy” is a suitable or appropriate wish here, so I’ll emulate the authors and creators of various Japanese light-novels and manga here, and merely say…

Thanks for reading this, and I hope I may count on your continued support in the future.

Published in: Geekiness | on January 18th, 2011| No Comments »

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