Misery, Inc.

“They say, misery loves company…
So we should form a company,
and make misery…”

There aren’t a lot of practical and useful things that America really excels at, anymore. No longer are we winning the “brain race”, what’s left of American industry is struggling to compete with the rest of the world; we’re not even doing so hot at exporting capitalism, democracy, and other traditional American values.

This, I think, makes it extremely important that we recognize those things which America still manages to lead the world at, and exploit them for all they’re worth. It could well be that, without a whole lot of exaggeration, the future of the free world depends on this.

But what is it that American leads the world at? What do we still do better than anyone else? It’s a bit difficult to capitalize on obesity and incarceration, I have to admit – but there is something very slightly more practical that we do well…

Nobody, and I mean nobody, outdoes America at producing truly first-class assholes.

Now, before you either laugh yourself to death or decide I’ve gone crazy, consider: Everything horrible online – everything – was not just developed but perfected by Americans. Spamming? We invented it, and we’re still better at it than anyone else, even Russia. We invented the pop-up, the pop-under, and all those other annoyances. Denial of Service attacks? That was us. Spyware? Malware? You’re welcome! Script kiddies? One of our greatest cultural exports of the last decade, I’d say.

America has taken griefing and trolling to some truly awesome pinnacles of greatness. Nobody, anywhere in the world, can mindlessly and repetitively call others “ghey” and “faggotz” like Americans can.

Thing is, Americans’ well-honed skills at being first-class assholes could actually be in high demand soon. Don’t believe me? Peace through cyberwarfare could be the wave of the future, according to some experts…

…which means that now is the time for some enterprising venture capitalist to create a private company offering cybermayhem-for-hire. If there’s anything that Afghanistan and Iraq have taught this country, it’s that private contractors can do it better, for less. Why hire people, give them government salaries, insurance, and so on, when you can get college students to do it for pizza and beer vouchers?

I’m telling you, the era of eGr13f3rz, LLC is here.

Why stop at cyberwarfare, though? I for one want to see a return to this country’s glory years, where we successfully and vigorously exported traditional American values to foreign countries around the world, regardless of whether they wanted ’em or not. In addition to hiring technologically-savvy if slightly amoral college students to DDOS Venezuela or Iran, how about someone gather a couple thousand fluently bilingual assholes? With a little training, they could be deployed overseas on short notice to disrupt foreign political debates and town-hall meetings with conspiracy theories about 9/11 truths, Freemasonry, the Illuminati, Jews… or whatever the local or regional analogues happen to be.

Why is this so important? Far more than just our collective national pride is at stake, here! This kind of low-intensity conflict is going to be the way of the future, and it is imperative – imperative! – that we not suffer an asshole gap! Well-respected government experts keep warning that the Chinese government has tens of thousands of lazy, pimply hackers and crackers and script kiddies and griefers under their command – ready, willing, and able to spread e-communism through the tubes of the internets at a moment’s notice. Russia, it has been alleged, has a similarly effective cadre of contract cyberwarriors… yet we, America, the country that invented trolling – trolling, for God’s sake! – are only just now beginning to realize the strategic disadvantage we find ourselves in.

We must act, and now, and decisively, to remedy this intolerable state of affairs.

Assholes of this proud and noble land, a great and terrifying burden rests in your sweaty, hairy palms – nothing less than the very future of the free world itself. Treat it with as much gentleness as you show your enemies ruthlessness and savagery, and good luck – the nice guys and gals of the world are counting on you!

Published in: Geekiness, General | on September 24th, 2009| Comments Off on Misery, Inc.

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