Look, I hate conspiracy theories even more than the next person, right? Especially really preposterous ones involving lots of foreign governments working in collusion with one another to commit various improbably nefarious acts. (Did you hear the one about how the Swedes, Iranians, Kuwaitis, Fijians, Moroccans, and a small group of CIA-funded Basque separatists not only caused 9/11 and successfully framed the French for it, but did so ahead of schedule and under budget? And all because of some esoteric squabble about the use of UTF-8 in The Scene?)
But anyway, the endless ongoing soap opera that is the “birth certificate scandal” a/k/a “birther travesty” got me to thinking, and I realized that Enemies of America(TM) have been just ridiculously remiss in not exploiting this whole birther thing.
I mean, seriously, Axis of Evil(TM), where the bloody hell are you? Wouldn’t competent third-world dictators have been all over this? How come the governments of China, Venezuela, Iran, Libya, North Korea, and Russia haven’t “leaked” birth certificates “proving” that Barack Hussein Obama was born in their respective countries? Hell, don’t they realize how much of a furor they could cause by just unilaterally issuing the POTUS permanent citizenship?
Axis of Evil(TM), you’re really starting to disappoint me. Don’t look at me like that, North Korea; you can counterfeit billions of dollars in Federal Reserve Notes, but you can’t forge a simple birth certificate? And you, Venezuela – you’re so busy spreading joy and socialism throughout the region you can’t find time to grant that Obama guy citizenship?
Color me disillusioned, right now. What’s the point of being a third-world dictator if you can’t meddle in the internal affairs of international superpowers and spread obvious and farcical falsehoods? It’s things like this that make me really want to reconsider my chosen career path.
Fear not, compatriots, for there is still the faint glimmer of hope that it’ll turn out the birther movement is actually funded by the Revolutionary Guards, or something. Hell, even if it’s not true, it’d be funny as hell if the CIA forged evidence proving that, wouldn’t it?
It’s not like opportunities for this much dramatic hilarity come around with any regularity, right?