A Scale of Fail

I’ve been thinking that the current kind of arbitrary hierarchy of fails:


…really isn’t nuanced enough for the comparative analysis of failures. The first solution that presents itself is to use modifiers:


And, what the hell, maybe an OMGWTFBBQ FAIL++ (pronounced “double-plus OMGWTFBBQ fail”, natch) for the truly stupendous failures of the world.

That got me wondering, though – might numbers be better?

Something like:

Fail Level I: No harm, no foul, no witnesses.

Fail Level II: That’s going to leave a mark; good thing nobody saw.

Fail Level III: There are witnesses, but they were at least peripherally involved.

Fail Level IV: People are pointing and laughing.

Fail Level V: People are pointing and laughing at your discomfort. Expect to see yourself on YouTube very, very soon.

Fail Level VI: Phew! Two feet to the left, or ten seconds later, and that would have gone Very Horribly Wrong(TM). You’ll be bragging about that one, eventually.

Fail Level VII: Significant property damage is involved. There will be a police report. Expect to see your name in the local newspaper.

Fail Level VIII: Nobody dies, but only because God must really love drunks and idiots. Expect to see yourself on the evening news. “Let us never mention this incident EVAR AGAIN!!!11.”.

Fail Level IX: Everybody who survives is going to go to jail… for a very long time. Never mind that it was probably already illegal; the state legislature is probably going to ban what you just did.

Fail Level X: Nobody connected to the fail lives long enough to realize their error.

Bonus points:

If you were drunk or otherwise chemically impaired at the time, increase one level.
If you have a mullet, increase one level.
If your FAIL is prefaced with some variation of “watch this!”, increase one level.
If your FAIL involves actual or attempted sexual activity, increase two levels.

This means that if you are drunk, have a mullet, are making an amateur pr0n tape involving some sort of incredibly perverted and dangerous kinkiness, tell the camera “watch this!”, and you, your partner, and anyone else involved die instantly as a result of your idiocy, you could in theory wind up with a Level XV FAIL.

If that’s not an OMGWTFBBQ++ FAIL, I don’t know what is…

Published in: 'D' for 'Dumb', Geekiness, General | on June 18th, 2009| Comments Off on A Scale of Fail

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